Parents/God

 I can't remember where I heard this but the quote was, "Parents are a child's first experience with God." I've pondered on that and as I've had experiences with my girls I've gained so much insight into its truth as I've worked to remember it.  Once we had an incident with one of our girls and I had the chance to really lose my cool or keep calm. I'm so so grateful I was able to be zoned in to this child and I stayed in her room with her while she tried to throw shoes at me threatened bad words and was just so disregulated.  I pulled every resource I could from my Dr Becky obsession and ocassionally said "I love you. I will not leave you. I won't allow you to throw things at me. Nothing you do or say will make me not love you."  She ended up calming down and wrote me a note once I felt like I could leave to finish dinner without her feeling like I was abandoning her.  It makes me cry to think about that day. I feel so strongly that my girls lashing out is them crying for help and more tools, hugs, connection and to shut her down with a STOP TALKING BACK or demand to be kind, respectful, or a “good girl” tells her that I’m not safe for all the variety of her emotions. It’s a little twisted to think I’ll only find them acceptable when they’re behaving well and not when they’re really coming undone. That’s the perception they get I think when I lose it during those moments. But its so triggering!  Especially when the lows of how they feel are so pointed at me.  

So I haven’t figured out exactly what to do overall. I need to implement some, “I hear you’re really upset at me. I also know there is a way to say that differently.” But this moment was huge for us. She got to experience that “my worst moment isn’t too much for my mom/trusted leader”. I believe that is exactly how Jesus/God is with us. He sees our worst moments and says, “that’s not too much for me. I’m staying right here. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here no matter what. When you're ready, I'm here." And that unconditional love is what changes us. It's what helps us believe we're worthy-- in all our mess-- of someone sitting by us through all the good, bad and ugly.