what's the fire?

One of my friends from high school shared a story with me about her brothers.  They had kind of more rambunctious teenage years and one thing her dad said about it was, "I feel like we were looking at the smoke and not really addressing the fire." 

I have been loving during my interactions with my girls or other relationships thinking: “What’s the fire here? I’m seeing smoke, but what’s the fire that needs attending to.” It helps me to step back and assess how I can go to the actual issue instead of getting caught up with the initial response. Mom also says it looks like that person is behavior focused (treating the symptom) not looking for the pain underneath. Most days I'm thrown tantrums and bad attitudes and it's so easy to be reactive.  I love how Dr. Becky (I worship her! haha) talks about giving our children the most generous interpretation of their behavior.  Can I step back and just wonder what they're going through? Is it as simple as hunger/exhaustion, or did they have a a bad experience at school, were they left out, or overall just needing more hugs and attention?  Sometimes I'll remind myself in the moment, "wait we're not actually talking about watching tv right now. That's not the true issue at hand." Could it be that my girls are struggling with any of the things I mentioned earlier or otherwise? Even more reason to hold my boundary of NO TV, but also buckle up for maybe a huge meltdown for them to unload what really is going on. It's mental gymnastics trying to dive in deep to their hearts, stay present and ready to with stand all of what might come, but I love coming out on the other side of it.