Sunday, January 1, 2017


Ah this year is basically over and I'm pretty sad about it.  My heart has been broken this year and at almost the exact same time it's been healed perfectly from the inside out.  There's more room for love and understanding.  I remember the day after we got home from the beach the day we found out about Capri and I was taking a hot shower alone while my mom had Capri in the main house.  I would start to cry and then force myself to stop and just felt so numb and empty.  I'll never forget those feelings and I cry everytime I think about it.  Somehow, though, this year wrapping makes me nostalgic.  I've come out of that dark hole almost completely.  Sometimes I pay it a visit haha but it's never that long.

Gratitude has played a huge part of my life this year.  It's the one of the main reasons my heart has healed.  I have never practiced active gratitude like this in my life.  There would be times I would be waiting for a phone call from a doctor or I was stressed out.  In those situations I would literally run to my room or hide my phone in my lap and start listing the tiniest things I was grateful for.  I would do it just rapid fire bascially before another negative or pessimistic thought could enter my head.  If I let myself even for a second linger on what could possibly happen or what was currently going wrong I would spin into a dark place.  I'm in a better habit of just subconsiously thinking more gratefully, but it's a practice.

I used to think every year that goes on is "my hardest year" and be kind of exhausted at that.  If we're going off the current trend it's probably not going to get easier.  My heart will break another 100 times.  I'm kind of counting on that now haha.  But every single year we learn something new.  We get the opportunity to refine the strengths we have and realize weaknesses we didn't know we had.

I've talked about this a little bit before but I think I tend to be a pretty heavy friend.  I don't really like small talk.  I know it's a natural/necessary way to get to know someone but the faster we move on from the surface topics the better, in my opionion.  I love to get to know someones heart.  What have they been through that makes them think a certain way.  I love talking about parenting, marriage, families, the Gospel, Christ, and past experiences.  I know those can be deep topics for all of us and sometimes I feel like when people are done talking with me they're like "whoa that took everything out of me" (I feel like that too!)  But maybe they also feel like "I learned something about myself by just talking outloud." I know that happens with me every single time I meet up with a friend and converstaion heads that direction.  I have a few goals for next year that I need to get written in my journal but one of them is about being a better friend.  I have so much to learn from other people and other moms.  We have a great ward and I love the women I've talked with.  They have shared their hearts with me so quickly and I want to work on being a better listener.  This year I've had countless people who have spent time listening to my heart, watching our girls, or sending me notes of encouragement.  I would be incredibly ungrateful if I didn't reach out to whoever  might need me to just listen.

I'm really sad to see this year in our past but we leave on a cruise this week so what a way to start 2017! haha

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