give him everything

I had such a sweet conversation with a friend the other day. She was telling me about an extremely difficult time in her life she was sitting in church, but suddenly had to take her daughter out of sacrament meeting because she was having a moment.  The frustrations of motherhood, needing your child to just be still in a painful moment while battling grief and other life circumstances building up was ready to spill out of her. So she grabbed her daughter walked her out in the middle of sacrament meeting with everyone’s eyes on her and sat her down on the couch in the foyer.   Then she saw a picture of Jesus and looked at him with anger and frustration and thought “I hate you”. 

A few days later, she was talking to her friend and was feeling guilty for simply thinking such a harsh thing and clarified she obviously didn't hate Jesus. Her friend, eager to ease her mind said, “he’s the perfect person to say it to. You give him everything". Again one of my favorite quotes of parenting is “parents are a child’s first experience with god.”  I love to find a common thread of God's relationship with us and the relationship our children have with us as their parents and pull  on that thread until I can’t any longer. haha it's a quote that has so many layers.  I think about the ugly, messy reactions I’ve got from my girls. I have absorbed  “I hate you”’s plenty of times and while I definitely react poorly to them on occasion I usually try to look at my girls lovingly, tell them I love them then let their words fall.  I am aware that I probably except more verbal lashings than most and I don’t know that that’s noble or right. Feels better than screaming at them, but I've felt prompted recently to actually revisit the conversation when everyone is calm and check in then.  I think that's a big part of what I'm missing. I really spiral that I'm doing it all wrong when my friends kids are so sweet and don't tell their mom they hate their hair!!! hahah

Anyway! I'm stuck on this idea of "God is the perfect person to say it all to. Give him everything".  How does that translate to our accepting all our kids highs and lows? Is it really okay to want to blame him for your circumstances and your suffering.  Does it hurt his feelings? I don't think it does. So is it important for us as parents to let those moments with our children not hit us in our gut.  Does he weep with you and give you a heavenly comfort?  Sometimes after those moments of thinking really? really? This is how things are going for me? You didn't save me from this or that?  He holds us close, reminds us in loving ways that he's always here and that he sees our hurt.  

Something about him just loving us unconditionally and receiving our anger actually motivates us to soften naturally, on our own accord.  I've seen it in myself when I have a venting prayer usually the response I feel from God is nurturing and not a reprimand....yet.  Later, I come around to the truth that maybe I can learn something from this trial or he gives me strength or an idea on how to get through it.  I've seen it in my kids when they're really out of sorts and I respond with an I love you or don't respond at all they come back later that night, or the next day and say sorry and we chat about what was going on. It's magical.

God provides a safe haven of perfect love and perfect empathy. 

be a light

 Someone gave a talk a few Sundays ago and talked about a refiners fire. He said when steel is under extreme heat it glows and then can bend. I loved that. I've heard that comparison a thousand times. It's so funny how in the right place and the right time that it carries a different meaning. This time instead of hearing about the bending of the rod I kept thinking about the glow and light that is emitted from that heat. It is only through the pressure of the heat when the iron burns a bright glow ready to be molded. When we’re going through hard things, yes it’s horrible and hard to see hope, but we can be filled with light and be an example. 

I remember when Capri first got diagnosed thinking about the future and Capri being in the school system eventually. Letting my mind wander if I might have to advocate for her possibly or push for things even in her health care. I remember praying, "I don't want this experience to harden me." If I needed to speak up for our family could I do it lovingly and firmly and if I felt like I couldn't on my own, could God help me? I wanted to be a light from the get go. How could people see God in this journey while I was trying to find Him too? It was so hard in the very beginning and subsequent times after, of course. Overall though I felt such a strong impression that I didn't want it to crush me, even though there were many crushing nights, I wanted (want) to learn what I was (am) supposed to and provide some sliver of hope whatever trials you've got you can be filled with light. It's comically easy to say this outside of one of those hard moments. It's nearly impossible to think, "help me be filled with light and see the good in this hard time!" and mean it. It goes back to the glow of steel.  Steel can not be made into something different when its cold and not under some friction (heat) that process HAS to happen. And I think when we continue to experience that truth by our own path we have more patience in those difficult times to endure it well.

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God . . . and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.” -Orson F. Whitney 

Knowing God

 I am loving teaching my Sunday school class. 17-18yr olds. Even if they just stare at me when I ask for comments of an answer to questions hahah Some are still in high school Some are going on missions or working or heading off to college. It’s so exciting. That time of life for me was life changing and I feel a sort of clock counting down in our time together to help them know God in a way that’s meaningful. I remember Bishop Christensen from singles ward always had that as a goal in his time as bishop. It wasn’t focused on “get these kids married”, but to help us know the Savior. I’m trying to adopt that. I love discussing the gospel with my kids in class and diving deep into the scriptures and their experiences. It’s so sweet. I keep telling Dayton they were so inspired to extend that call for me. 

fruit pizza

Our neighbors are our ministering family or I guess the husband is. He had visited a few months ago and brought us some sourdough chocolate chip cookies that were amazing that his wife had made.  a few weeks ago on a Sunday he text us and asked us if he could bring by a treat! Earlier that day when we were home from church I was thinking of a treat to make and Capri hasn’t been liking chocolate lately and so my normal chocolate chip cookies are no longer good enough for her haha She asked me if I can make fruit pizza which I haven’t made in a few months and I told her shoot I can’t because I don’t have the fruit for it and she was disappointed so I ended up just not making anything because no one could agree. Stephen text me asking if he could bring something was perfect timing where he could bring us a treat for Sunday after dinner. Stephen rings the door bell that evening and when I open the door I see him have a huge circular pan as a fruit pizza. Me and winnie gasped as Capri made her way to the door to see what we were making a fuss over! I said Capri you’re not gonna believe it! fruit pizza!!!! We were dying and she was so happy. It was such a special moment for her and a teaching moment. Heavenly Father cares about us so much. He’s in the details of our life. He knows what’s important to us even if it’s as small as fruit pizza. I’ve been pondering that experience today and I think about how God has his church set up and how beautiful it is that we can have families nearby that are assigned to our family to bless our lives. Check in on us and vice versa. God loves her. I hope she never forgets it. He loves all his children and created ways he can keep eyes on all of them. 

Like the Sun

 Sometimes I think about the vastness of humanity. The billions of people currently living and all the ones past and to come. Countries I forget exist have millions of people going through their own complex lives. Somehow no soul is overlooked. In the way I feel Heavenly Father can be right next to me in my hours of need, he is doing the same thing in those “hidden corners" of the earth. Your mind can’t wrap your head around it. He has the whole picture in mind and yet is so individually invested in us it can seem like we’re the only one he could possibly have time for. I love that contrary. His love is deeply personal AND general for all mankind. I remember, when I was little, wondering how God can be everywhere all at once and mom said it's kind of like the Sun. Many people can feel the warmth of the sun and it can be a focal point to those same people. 

Pray for what they need

Moms advice on praying for someone is to “pray to God to send them what they need”. Is it a trial to soften their heart, teach them something or give them an opportunity to gain a Christlike attribute, is it a friend, is it something I can say, is it an experience? Prayer is the ultimate Hail Mary. Ideally it comes along with action but sometimes all we can do is pray. It leaves the discernment to a loving God, but still active faith through prayer on our end. 

Parents/God

 I can't remember where I heard this but the quote was, "Parents are a child's first experience with God." I've pondered on that and as I've had experiences with my girls I've gained so much insight into its truth as I've worked to remember it.  Once we had an incident with one of our girls and I had the chance to really lose my cool or keep calm. I'm so so grateful I was able to be zoned in to this child and I stayed in her room with her while she tried to throw shoes at me threatened bad words and was just so disregulated.  I pulled every resource I could from my Dr Becky obsession and ocassionally said "I love you. I will not leave you. I won't allow you to throw things at me. Nothing you do or say will make me not love you."  She ended up calming down and wrote me a note once I felt like I could leave to finish dinner without her feeling like I was abandoning her.  It makes me cry to think about that day. I feel so strongly that my girls lashing out is them crying for help and more tools, hugs, connection and to shut her down with a STOP TALKING BACK or demand to be kind, respectful, or a “good girl” tells her that I’m not safe for all the variety of her emotions. It’s a little twisted to think I’ll only find them acceptable when they’re behaving well and not when they’re really coming undone. That’s the perception they get I think when I lose it during those moments. But its so triggering!  Especially when the lows of how they feel are so pointed at me.  

So I haven’t figured out exactly what to do overall. I need to implement some, “I hear you’re really upset at me. I also know there is a way to say that differently.” But this moment was huge for us. She got to experience that “my worst moment isn’t too much for my mom/trusted leader”. I believe that is exactly how Jesus/God is with us. He sees our worst moments and says, “that’s not too much for me. I’m staying right here. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here no matter what. When you're ready, I'm here." And that unconditional love is what changes us. It's what helps us believe we're worthy-- in all our mess-- of someone sitting by us through all the good, bad and ugly. 

The Lord loves effort

This is turning out to be where I'm posting every deep, spiritual post I would normally share on Instagram! Ha!

When I first got put in to be the Primary president I talked to my friend and asked her if she had any advice. She said “I looked at the meetings as an opportunity to get a break from motherhood and my prayer was to allow Heavenly Father to make more hours in the day to get what I needed to get done.” As we embark on this new journey with Dayt in the bishopric I think about that again. I remember so many times when I was struggling during this past year asking Heavenly Father if there were any blessings specific to this calling that I had access to I needed them right in that moment. I remember praying and being filled with faith that as I was on his errand he would help me. I don’t have a specific memory of help but an overall feeling of peace and confidence things would be ok. Somehow he makes up the difference. You can’t describe it to other people, because you could write it off as coincidence if you try hard enough. You just have to live it and feel it yourself. You see him bend time so you can get things in to make a visit,  give you strength  (and a good attitude haha!) to make a dinner for someone when you’re exhausted, or give clarity on what to let go of that day to make room for something more important. He really does honor your effort. And so mercifully magnifies what efforts you offer when you can’t give anything else.