There was a familiarity when we got Sunny's test results. Maybe that's why I just felt like something was off when our doctor told us she was just a carrier. Obviously, I didn't want her to be affected but I also felt like this doesn't seem right and this weird feeling like we got off to easy. I have had this feeling before. Usually months before something is going to happen. Like the anticipating of the other shoe is going to drop. I've tried to analyze why I have that feeling and then I read from a BYU speech. I want to plaster this quote all over my house because it really speaks to our nature and explains why I have the, "take cover" feeling knowing I should expect something else.
---Since the beginning, one of the reasons we don’t just admire mountains but feel so compelled to climb and conquer them is because of the fundamental and foundational truth that, as eternally progressing beings, we are predisposed to take on challenges. That is an essential underpinning of God’s plan of happiness. So you and I are divinely engineered to be dynamic and not static. Being in motion is requisite to progression. Thus we instinctively crave sacred summits—like the temple, general conference, or that summit of summits, heaven. And so even hard and uphill journeys—like life, for instance—can’t help but foster and develop both our progress and a priceless byproduct of that effort: faith.---
The "other shoe is about to drop" usually has a negative connotation attached to it. I always had a fear that I wouldn't be able to handle what is coming and that's why it was scary. But of course, seeing it from an eternal perspective changes everything. What I took away from this quote is that it's in our divine nature to be dynamic beings. It's part of our DNA to want traction and opposition. As crazy as that sounds and as devastating as those oppositions often are. So when I'm feeling a little static my soul actually craves being dynamic. It wants to be in motion, stretching and changing. Even if my heart and mind would fight that plan. My mind constantly is telling me that life is too hard but my spirit just goes right into action. It knows that I am capable of it all. Honestly, I tend to be a little bit lazy and rebellious when life is going smoothly--creating that static feeling again. In no way do I feel like my trials, or my children's disabilities are punishment for my actions. I also don't think that it is a one for one on blessings vs trial. It's not a formula. I know God is constantly showering down blessings and I don't think that the more I read my scriptures, the less trials I get. I just think that overall, who we are cries out for development through all times of our life.
I think the pause I had when I was able to have so much time in the temple before Sunny was born was my soul craving a little more closeness to God. Not only was God covering me and give me strength, but it was also my spirit understanding that I was ready for more growth. I don't always know how to explain the torrential down pour of problems people have in their life. When so many things are stacked against us at certain times in our life. I don't know what else to say other than pushing ahead and through it can sometimes provide clarity at a later time. That's just been my experience at 29... more to come :)
When I told my Dad about Sunny, I told him that after we had Capri, I felt like if there had to be a spirit packaged in a different little body, then let them come to my house. Let them come to a home where they will be fed, loved, clothed, and have everything they could need. His response was, "I know, you just said it a little too loud." haha Again, there's my heart understanding that it's ok to not have the ideal. I know everyone has had that type of experience. That's why there is peace during a divorce, a nagging feeling you need to adopt a child, comfort when month after month you can't get pregnant, clarity when you don't get a job. It doesn't always happen right away, but quietly one day our spirits align with Heaven's plan and we remember we knew things would be ok even when they weren't.
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