I've been a Mom for almost six months. So much has happened in this time and I hate thinking all this will soon be such a distant memory that I'll only have videos and pictures to look back on. I had the baby blues when I first had Winnie and would just sob about trying to embrace everything. Sometimes I just want to cry because I can't soak in the moments enough. I wanna squeeze her so tight to engrain in my mind what her little body feels like. How she smells, how she cries, and how I feel when she smiles. I can't enjoy it enough to make it last. Days go by and I forget what it was like when she couldn't even smile or play.
I weirdly miss how I felt when she was sick too. There were so many long nights and stress trying to figure out what was going on. Things happened so fast and I was still adjusting to being a new Mom that I didn't have time to take in everything. I have such a hard time remembering what my attitude was. I'm forgetting. I'm forgetting what was going through mind. I'm forgetting what her wimper sounded like. I don't miss her being in pain, obviously but the simple fact that I can't recall the feelings I had makes me sad. The emotions of anxiety and stress were so strong but I just can't pin point what my heart was feeling. I miss her being that little too, sick or not. That's why you have more kids huh? :)
Being a Mom consumes you. It changes who you are and how you perceive everything. Every horror story you hear becomes your imagination. What if that had been my family? I'd like to think that I'm a little more gentle now too. Hopefully a little more kind to my family and strangers. I promise I don't just lay in bed and cry all the time haha but one time when I was holding Wins I did. I thought about the other babies in this world that don't get enough cuddles, no Daddy to welcome home, not enough to eat, or just in bad home situations. I never thought I would be against crying it out but I came to realize there are enough babies in this world crying it out, that mine would never. Someone in church said a prayer once and said "please bless the children that we can not reach". I lost it. Not that I'm the perfect Mom but when I think of how I love Winnie with every fiber of who I am and there is a baby who doesn't have a mama who does it kills me. My prayers won't ever be what they were. I remember being in the hospital and just having my whole world become the issues with Winnie. I couldn't believe there were people in the drive thru at Wendy's like it was just another day while I felt like my life was falling apart?! The little things in life don't keep me up at night any more. Things that I used to care about are on the back burner. Your life is bigger than just you, or your husband. You life has to be completely dedicated to the little family you created.
When you become the Mom of your own family, it's different. Like I said in another post, a Mom determines alot in the home. I feel a strong responsibilty to make it the best place for Dayton and Winsley. I used to want my house to be perfect (Okay, I kinda still do) but now it's more important for me to have a good spirit here. That this house is a place for Winnie to feel loved and safe. For Dayton to come relax after a long day of work. This is the place where she will learn the most important lessons of her life and I have the job to teach her. Such a big weight on our shoulders! I feel so honored to be Winsley's mama. I'm grateful she chose us to come too. I love imagining her asking Heavenly Father to give her these phsyical trials and pointed to us from Heaven and said "Them. I want them. They can handle it." No one could describe to me how much I would love being a Mom. I tell Dayton all the time to plan for having alot of kids because I'm obsessed with the entire experience.
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